Today We Got Jokes

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

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The Old Motor

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending this delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you do it?"

The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth and after the delivery she approached the old gentleman, smiling, and said, "Well, you surely are something else. How do you do it?"

The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."
The nurse, still smiling, said to the old gentleman, "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black."




Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He Pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."




CORPORATE GHETTO


YOU KNOW YOU ARE CORPORATE GHETTO IF TWO OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING ARE TRUE:


1. YOU DON'T OFFICIALLY START WORKING IN THE MORNING UNTIL YOU READ YOUR EMAILS AND EAT YOUR BISCUIT

2. YOU HAVE AT LEAST ONE DRAWER/CABINET THAT CONTAINS MORE FOOD THAN
OFFICE SUPPLIES.

3. NOT ONLY DO YOU KNOW ALL THE SECURITY GUARDS, JANITORS AND CAFETERIA
WORKERS, ONE OF THEM HAS ASKED YOU OUT ON A DATE.

4. YOUR VERSION OF A CONFERENCE CALL IS WHEN YOU CALL YOUR FRIENDS AND
PLAN WHAT YOU ARE DOING FOR THE WEEKEND.

5. THE ONLY TIME YOUR MAN/WOMAN PICKS YOU UP FROM WORK IS ON PAYDAY.

6. FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS CALL YOU AT WORK TO CUSS YOU OUT BECAUSE
YOU DIDN'T ANSWER YOUR PHONE QUICK ENOUGH.

7. YOU PAINT YOUR NAILS AT YOUR DESK.

8. WHEN YOU ARE ON A PERSONAL CALL YOU, LAUGH SO LOUD YOUR CO-WORKERS ON
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE OFFICE COME AND ASK YOU WHAT'S SO FUNNY.

9. YOU HAVE PICTURES ON YOUR WALL WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS AT THE CLUB.

10. TO BEAT THE SYSTEM, YOU HAVE CODES FOR PERSONAL CALLS THAT LETS
SOMEONE KNOW TO CALL YOU RIGHT BACK. (LET THE PHONE RING TWO TIMES AND
CALL ME RIGHT BACK).

11. YOU GIVE YOUR OUT-OF-TOWN FRIENDS YOUR COMPANY'S 1-800 NUMBER.

12. BEFORE CALLING IN SICK, YOU REHEARSE YOUR SICK VOICE AND SICK STORY
SEVERAL TIMES OUT LOUD.

13. COWORKERS INQUIRE HOW YOUR FATHER'S SURGERY WENT THAT REQUIRED YOU TO BE OUT FOR DAYS AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOUR DADDY IS.

14. YOU USE THE COMPANY'S POSTAGE MACHINE TO STAMP YOUR PERSONAL MAIL.

15. YOUR KID'S SCHOOL SUPPLIES ALL HAVE YOUR COMPANY INSIGNIA ON THEM,
YOU ORDER PERSONAL SUPPLIES FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS.

16. YOU CALL IN SICK ON PAYDAY FRIDAY AND SEND YOUR COUSIN TO PICK UP
YOUR PAYCHECK. (NOW THAT'S REAL GHETTO!! GET DIRECT DEPOSIT!!)

17. YOU CONTRIBUTE $1 TO THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY, EAT THE MOST FOOD
AND TAKE A PLATTER OF LUNCH MEAT AND POTATO SALAD HOME TO YOUR FAMILY
FOR DINNER.

18. BEFORE SOMEONE USES YOUR TELEPHONE AT YOUR DESK, THEY HAVE TO WIPE
THE CHICKEN GREASE OFF THE HANDSET.

19. YOU CALL IN SICK ON FRIDAY BECAUSE YOU WENT OUT ON THURSDAY.

20. YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR SUPERVISOR AND A COUPLE OTHER COWORKERS AND YOU
TELL THEM OFF ON A REGULAR BASIS AND WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
PROMOTED.

21. YOU GET YOUR HAIRCUT/HAIR DONE ON LUNCH AND COME BACK TWO HOURS
LATER AND THEN ASK "WAS ANYBODY LOOKING FOR ME?".

22. YOU CUSS YOUR CREDITORS OUT FOR CALLING YOU AT WORK.

23. YOU COME TO WORK ON FRIDAY'S DRESSED FOR THE CLUB.

24. YOUR KIDS CALL YOUR JOB AND SAY TO THE OPERATOR, "LET ME SPEAK TO MY
MAMA"

25. YOU ARE SITTING THERE READING THIS INSTEAD OF GETTING YOUR WORK
DONE.



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This is Superstar Nic

A Little Closer 2 Ecstasy and I'm out!


"If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours!"

 
posted by Superstar Nic at 11:01 PM, | 2 comments

What is the World Coming To?

Monday, September 25, 2006
You know what? I do not understand what the hell is wrong with the crazy ass people in this world. When I briefly heard about a woman drowning three children and stuffing them into a washer and dryer this morning when I was getting dressed, I thought that I must have mistaken. I just had to look it up on the net the first chance I got. Sure enough, the awful story was true.

What I found out was that a 24 year old woman in St Louis, Tiffany Hall, was being held on a $5 million bond for committing an unthinkable crime!

In court, the prosecutors say she killed 23 year old Jimella Tunstall (see her picture below), and her unborn baby. Might I also add that the crazy bitch cut the baby from her womb. WTF?

Not only did crazy murder the mom, but she also told police she drowned her three children: ages 7, 2 and 1, and stuffed them into a washer and dryer at the apartment they shared with their mother.

Hall has not been charged in the childrens deaths and the police have not stated what the possible motive is. Her public defender has requested a psychological evaluation and that she be segregated from the rest of the inmates for her protection.

Psychological evaluation?!?!?! Is there really any one out there who doubts that this heffa is crazy?!?!?! I mean really! I just cant believe that she could or would do such a thing.

This is so sick and so incredibly sad. The funeral for mother and children is scheduled for this coming Friday.

May God bless them and their family.





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In this undated photo provided by the Illinois State Police, 7-year-old Demond Tunstall, 2-year-old Ivan Tunstall, and 1-year-old Jinela Tunstall are shown. (AP Photo/The Illinois State Police)




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In this photo released by the East St. Louis (Ill.) police Tiffany Hall is shown. Hall was charged with one count apiece of first-degree murder and intentional homicide of an unborn child in the death of 23-year-old Jimella Tunstall Saturday, Sept. 23, 2006, and jailed on $5 million bond. (AP Photo/East St. Louis Police via St. Louis Post Dispatch)





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This photo shows Jimella Tunstall, 23. who was found slain after apparently having a fetus cut from her womb on Thursday in East St. Louis, Ill. AP Photo/Illinois State Police Handout)




View A News Clip of the Story Here






This is Superstar Nic

A Little Closer 2 Ecstasy and I'm out!


"If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours!"




 
posted by Superstar Nic at 7:48 PM, | 13 comments

A Lil Jokey Joke 4 U

Good Morning in the blogosphere and Happy Monday!

First Time Sex.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he Takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.


He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.




This is Superstar Nic

A Little Closer 2 Ecstasy and I'm out!


"If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours!"

 
posted by Superstar Nic at 7:40 AM, | 3 comments

Just Showing Sum Luv

Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Whatz up in blogosphere?

Not much at all with me. Things have been going pretty well for the most part. My sisters (the twins) are coming in town this weekend for the first FAMU home game of the season so that should be a lot of fun. Well, I mean I’m not all that excited about the game per se, but more so about the fact that I can get me a candy apple and shop the street venders that come out. Anyhoo, you guys take care!

Have you ever seen some shit like this before? I mean really!





This is Superstar Nic

A Little Closer 2 Ecstasy and I'm out!


"If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours!"

 
posted by Superstar Nic at 8:58 PM, | 6 comments

At Last

Monday, September 18, 2006
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At Last

At last, when all the summer shine
That warmed life's early hours is past,
Your loving fingers seek for mine
And hold them close, at last, at last!
Not oft the robin comes to build
Its nest upon the leafless bough
By autumn robbed, by winter chilled,
But you, dear heart, you love me now.

Though there are shadows on my brow
And furrows on my cheek, in truth,
The marks where Time's remorseless plough
Broke up the blooming sward of Youth,
Though fled is every girlish grace
Might win or hold a lover's vow,
Despite my sad and faded face,
And darkened heart, you love me now!

I count no more my wasted tears;
They left no echo of their fall;
I mourn no more my lonesome years;
This blessed hour atones for all.
I fear not all that Time or Fate
May bring to burden heart or brow,
Strong in the love that came so late,
Our souls shall keep it always now

by Elizabeth Akers Allen

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This is Superstar Nic

A Little Closer 2 Ecstasy and I'm out!


"If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours!"
 
posted by Superstar Nic at 8:29 PM, | 2 comments

Say It Aint So!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006
ET confirms that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are divorcing!








ET confirms the news that WHITNEY HOUSTON and BOBBY BROWN are divorcing after 14 years of marriage. Whitney filed the papers last Friday in Orange County.

Not only are they spliting (finally), but Bobby is being linked to everyonez favorite video hoe herself. Yes thats right - Ms. Super Head!

Now keep in mind they said it not me. I dont make it up, I just spread it.







Read it here!

Whitney and Bobby: It's Over


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This is Superstar Nic

A Little Closer 2 Ecstasy and I'm out!

"If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours!"
 
posted by Superstar Nic at 9:51 PM, | 5 comments

Misc. Oddz-N-Endz

Monday, September 11, 2006
In rememberance of those lives that were lost and the day that changed American forever...

NEVER FORGET

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Anna Nicole Smith's son dies at hospital bedside



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NASSAU, Bahamas (Reuters) - Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son died suddenly at her bedside in a Bahamian hospital where the former Playboy Playmate was recovering from the birth of a daughter, police said on Monday.

Daniel Smith was found sitting upright in a chair in his mother's room at the private Doctors Hospital in the Bahamian capital of Nassau early on Sunday and could not be revived, police said. There were no signs of trauma on his body and no sign of a struggle in the room, police said.

Read the full story here!

Visit here website here:

www.annanicole.com


I didnt even know that she was pregnant!!! I wonder what happened to him.




Who Knew Pole Dancing Could Be Dangerous?


I know that I really shouldnt laugh but this shit here is hilarious! Check out this video.

Wanabee Pole Dancer needs more practice - Video



Flex Appeal: At 86, great-grandmother Morjorie Newlin keeps pumping iron

Fourteen years ago, when Morjorie Newlin was 72, her neighborhood supermarket had 50-pound bags of kitty litter on sale. Without anyone to help her carry the bags back to her house, she struggled mightily under the load. Never a particularly athletic woman, but staunchly independent, she decided that she had to do something about her deteriorating physical capabilities. Read the full story here!



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This is Superstar Nic

A Little Closer 2 Ecstasy and I'm out!

"If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours!"
 
posted by Superstar Nic at 7:24 PM, | 5 comments

Howdy Bloggers

Thursday, September 07, 2006

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Whatz up my blogging buddies?

Not much on my end. I took a few days off from work earlier this week for some much needed rest and relaxation! Aahhhhhh it was great. What sux tho is the fact that I can barely tell I had any time off with the way I feel. I hate coming back to work after a vacation…Lawd, does anyone do any thing while you are gone? Jeezz!

Things are back on target with me finishing up my dissertation research. I talked to my dissertation chair and he said that things look good for me graduating in the spring. Looks like I will soon be able to get my IBEPHD license tag! I will be so glad when I am finally done with school. Then I will be able to play on the net and visit all of you as much as I want to.

My girl Laptop Cutie is having a birthday this Sunday, so a few friends, my sister, and I are all going to go out for a celebration on Saturday. This should be fun. I havent been out with the girlz in a minute.

Till next week, tootle loo!


Click here for a good laugh!



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This is Superstar Nic

A Little Closer 2 Ecstasy and I'm out!

"If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours!"
 
posted by Superstar Nic at 11:01 PM, | 3 comments

How many of these did YOU know about?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006
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How many of these did YOU know about?

A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a
knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.
(hmmmmmm...)

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Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them
neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.

============================================
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put
Dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't
refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)

============================================
To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for
a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down.
The wax will fall out.

============================================
Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped
in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).

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Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt
BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.

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Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of
scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw
away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this
would be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely!
In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!

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Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen
peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works
every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL

============================================
Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal
for inside windows.This way you can tell which side has the streaks.
Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash
windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.

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Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely
light scent in each room when the light is turned on.

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Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will
smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels
and linen.

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Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3
hours prior to burning.

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To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the
flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt
and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!

============================================
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or
two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to
a boil on stove top.

============================================
Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring
in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

============================================
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it
will keep for weeks.

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When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the
corn's natural sweetness.

=============================================
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.

=============================================
Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces ........ Left over wine? What's that? :)

=============================================
To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area
and you will experience instant relief.

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Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a
chalk line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever
ants tend to march. See for yourself.

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Use air-freshener to clean mirrors It does a good job and better still,
leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

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When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to
tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and
then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and
easily.

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Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer........
Clean a toilet.
Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush.
The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.

============================================
Clean a vase.
To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with
water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.

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Polish jewelry
Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the
jewelry for two minutes.

=============================================
Clean a thermos bottle.
Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let
soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

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Unclog a drain.
Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the
drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes,
and then run the hot water.

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Do your friends a favor. Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely)
information on to a friend! I just did.
Makes you wonder about ingesting Alka Seltzer, doesn't it?




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This is Superstar Nic

A Little Closer 2 Ecstasy and I'm out!

"If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours!"
 
posted by Superstar Nic at 11:29 PM, | 7 comments

Happy Labor Day

Sunday, September 03, 2006
Happy Labor Day party people!

I hope that everyone is having a great weekend so far. As for me, mines is going pretty good. You know me, any day that I do not have to go to work is a good day!

Nothing too special has been going on in my world. Just been busy as ever. I started back to school after taking the summer off so its beeen a little rough trying to get back into the swing of things if you know what I mean.

Hoping that things are going well with you and yours. Take care!



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This is Superstar Nic

A Little Closer 2 Ecstasy and I'm out!

"If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours!"
 
posted by Superstar Nic at 8:23 PM, | 2 comments